My Miscarriage Story
If you are reading this post, I imagine you are here either out of curiosity or because you find yourself relating to this sensitive topic. Regardless of the reason, I hope you find comfort, peace, stability, and community from my miscarriage experience that I am sharing with you. I truly never, ever want you to feel isolated the way that I did during my miscarriage. This is an occurrence that 1 in 4 women will encounter, yet it is not talked about enough…whatsoever. I like to break the stigma around here, if you haven’t picked up on that yet. There is no reason you or I should feel alone in such a heartbreaking, emotional and physical time. Please know that I share my story because if you too are going through a miscarriage, I am here to hold space for what you and your family are going through.
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Since I was a little girl I always knew I wanted to become a mom. Some people are hesitant (my mom said she never wanted kids until she met my dad). For me, I knew all along I wanted to raise children of my own. At about 13 years old, I was the one in my neighborhood slipping “Mother’s Helper” flyers into all of the mailboxes on my street. I would spend a few hours here and there playing with children in my neighborhood while their mom was upstairs working, doing laundry, or taking a much deserved bath. Being around children always kept me present. I made sure I was the best princess in the imaginary castle, created the most delicious plastic cheeseburgers, and built the coolest pillow forts. It was always fun to me rather than a hassle. There is so much to learn from children too. As I grew older, I continued to babysit throughout high school which led to overnights during college and years after that. Throughout those years I picked up on habits, routines, and parenting styles that I really liked and some that I really didn’t like. I would think to myself, “THIS is what I want to instill in my children one day and oh man I will NOT allow my future children to get away with that.”
Fast forward to this year. 32 years old and happily engaged to the man I said yes to spending the rest of my life and building a family with. We knew we were ready for this next chapter of our lives together. While elopement plans remained on both our minds, we decided if we get pregnant now what a blessing it will be.
February 10, 2022: I took a pregnancy test after my period was late by a week. With the stress of 2021, my cycle was starting to get a little wonky. I would find myself 4 days early, then 4 days late, then right on time. There was even mid cycle bleeding that started to occur about halfway through the year. The mid cycle bleeding had definitely caught my attention, so I decided to get a full thyroid and hormone blood panel done to see where all of my levels were at. Kevin and I were on the same page that we were ready to start a family, but I wanted to make sure my hormones and thyroid were optimal. I went to the doctor for labs on January 27th and scheduled an appointment to go over the results two weeks later. During those two weeks, my grandpa passed away and I flew back to the east coast for his service. Between travel and grieving the loss of my grandpa, I hadn’t thought much about my cycle being late because that was the pattern in recent months. However, when I returned back to San Diego my wheels started spinning and the anxiety began to take off. At this point my period hadn’t been this late since I went off birth control circa 2014. On top of the anxiety I was also feeling lower abdominal cramping and my lower back was achey. I thought for sure my period was on its way. After all, these can be menstrual symptoms, right? Then, I did what every single woman should never do, yet still does… I went to Dr. Google. In the same sentence, Dr. Google told me I was experiencing “normal” PMS symptoms, but that I could also very much be pregnant. Cool. Super helpful. Seven days after my period should have showed up I took the pregnancy test with Kevin and boom, PREGNANT read loud and clear.
My reaction? “HOLY SHIT” my hands covered my mouth in disbelief and I bursted into tears. A wave of intense anxiety came over me. I’m going to actually be a mom? I am going to birth a human out of me? What do I eat? Can I workout tomorrow? I realized REAL quickly that I might know a lot about health and nutrition, but I had no clue what to do as someone now pregnant. For the first five days I was so overwhelmed. My anxiety was 11 out of 10. I wanted to do everything right knowing that I had a sesame seed growing inside of me, but really didn’t even know where to start. It wasn’t until about six days after taking the pregnancy test that my anxiety turned into excitement. I was now talking to my little sesame seed about how I was going to keep him/her safe and how honored I was to be their mom.
A week goes by and I happily, smiling from ear to ear, head back to see my doctor- the one who took my thyroid and hormone panel. I told her the happy news!! The kicker? She already knew I was pregnant because when I had my hormone and thyroid panels done I was already pregnant and had no idea!! How wild is that?! I still can’t get over the timing of it all.
Kevin and I were feeling truly blessed. Many families try so hard to get pregnant and we did quite effortlessly. The two of us were on Cloud 9. We decided to share the news with only 2-3 people who lived locally and could help us navigate doctors and next steps. We agreed not to share with family or other friends until our first ultrasound appointment scheduled for March 16th. Let me just say that it’s so incredibly hard to talk with family and friends while having the biggest, most exciting news to share, but not share it! Ultimately I wanted to make it to the March 16th appointment, hear the heartbeat, so that I felt confident enough to share the happy news.
February 22, 2022: Apparently 2/2/22 was supposed to be a real lucky day and bring good fortune to most, right? “The coolest date of the decade” according to multiple news articles. That was the day that brought the fear as a newly pregnant mom-to-be to reality. I began to spot. “Spotting can be normal. Many women spot during the first trimester. Some even spot throughout their entire pregnancy” I was told by the select few we shared our pregnancy news with. This was news to me. I feel like as women we are taught that red is bad in this type of situation. Turns out there is a lot of gray area when it comes to pregnancy that I was clueless about up until this point. “Don’t worry just yet” I kept telling myself (easier said than done). As the morning progressed, so did the quantity and color of the blood. I was now freaking out. Kevin and I decided to go to the ER with hopes that this was a big false alarm. Guess what? It was! The ER doctor said we were in the clear. HCG levels were high and the ultrasound showed an embryo. We left the ER feeling like a stack of bricks were lifted off of us. I cried happy tears. Sesame seed was safe and sound.
As we arrived back home from the ER, I decided to lay down on the couch. I was emotionally and physically so tired. As I laid on the couch, on top of a heating pad, I began to experience really intense lower abdominal cramping. Kevin reassured me that there was nothing to worry about considering we were just at the ER. Within minutes I was releasing blood clot after blood clot and my cramping was an 8 out of 10. I was so scared. Even after hearing from the doctor that everything was fine, I was hesitant to believe it was true. Before I knew it, my fear became my reality…again. I could visually see that my little sesame seed was no longer safe inside of me, but rather right before my eyes. I absolutely lost it. Shaking, crying, dry heaving. I was beside myself. We were just at the ER and given the green light. Three hours later, I was in fact miscarrying at roughly 6 weeks and 4 days.
It was in those fragile moments that I had never, in my life, felt so isolated. While Kevin held me, just as heartbroken and in disbelief, I felt so alone. Only two people knew we were expecting, so the people I wanted and needed the most didn’t know anything. For the next four days I bled heavily and continued to cramp. It wasn’t until about day eight where my bleeding stopped. During that time I went through the motions of life, but felt so numb while doing so. I realized two days into miscarrying that I could no longer be silent. I called my parents and broke the news to them. Not how I envisioned sharing the news that I *was* pregnant. I then texted close friends to tell them what I was experiencing and needed them in my corner. This was the first time, even through my long health crisis, that I reached out for help without anyone knowing what was going on. While there wasn’t anything that anyone could physically do, I needed my people to know that I was grieving a loss and was hurting. It was in those phone calls and text messages I learned that I was so far from alone. Literally every friend and family member I reached out to shared with me their own miscarriage experience, or one of a close friend or relative. Every.single.person. In the same breath I was shocked at how common miscarrying seemed to be, but also found relief in their stories. After living through the most isolating experience, I began to realize I have this experience in common with friends, family, and strangers whom I may have walked by in the grocery store. It became clear that there is a stigma attached to miscarrying, where many women feel ashamed and guilty. That it’s their fault. It’s a fragile experience that falls short of support. Reality is that 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage. 1 in 4. It wasn’t until I asked for help that I learned just how common it can be.
That’s why I chose to share my miscarriage story as a blog post. My hope is to help at least one woman feel less alone and less isolated while miscarrying. I was so confused and overwhelmed trying to figure out why this all was happening. It turns out that it truly is out of our control and nothing you or I did wrong. We don’t need to look for the silver lining, or convince ourselves “it just wasn’t meant to be.” We are allowed to sit with our emotions and grieve. This is a loss after all. I am here to hold space for you and whatever your experience looks like. You are not alone. I never want you to feel alone. I realize I may never know your story and frankly I don’t have to know your story in order to feel your emptiness, sadness, and grief. If you need someone to talk to, please reach out. I am here to empathize with you.
You know that saying time heals all wounds? Right now, time has made sharing my miscarriage a little bit easier, but I am still processing it all. So far my loss has:
1. Restored my appreciation for my body and its ability to heal.
2. Allowed me to speak on a topic that is silenced, yet experienced by many.
3. Solidified just how badly Kevin and I want to have a family of our own and that we will do everything we can to make that happen.
I leave you with this bit of advice that a family member shared with me that eased her mind as she experienced multiple miscarriages: “Remember this: People who have miscarriages are people who can get pregnant and people who get pregnant have babies.” Please know that if you have, or are experiencing a miscarriage, that this is not the end of your book, but rather a chapter of your story.
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What helped me, may help you:
While I was miscarrying I stayed off social media, focused on breathwork using the Insight Timer app, took walks in nature, listened to The Greatest Showman Soundtrack, and processed my emotions with close friends and family. I also found comfort in reading inspirational quotes by the extremely talented Morgan Harper Nichols.
If you know someone going through a miscarriage and/or loss of any kind and are not sure how to support them please take two minutes and listen to Brené Brown speaks on Empathy vs. Sympathy.
Hugs,
Candice